I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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