I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
