He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
