Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
