Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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