hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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