i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
