I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.