Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
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I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.