He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.