Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
