I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
should my penis look like a turkey
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Randomize
