I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just had sex on a roof
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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