the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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