Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
