She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
