Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
