My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
