I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
