well I can't set my house on fire every night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
