I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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