i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
