I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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