just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
