Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
