last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
