New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
