his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
