hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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