I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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