Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize