If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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