Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
