booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
