so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
