It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
