i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
