Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
