do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
