I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sober January is a disaster.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
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But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My feet surprised me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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