I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
