i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
