The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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