btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
