I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
