I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
