I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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