This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
