I smell stomach acid.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
