Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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