he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
