You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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