So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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