I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
