...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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