____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
