drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
