her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
